God is pop star -- no, REALLY.

Amy Winehouse's new Blake reminds me of a smoothe little ditty by one hotbitch German man...

HOBO STANK.

Bright-and-yummy color, what a waste:




This examplar of the big-n-sloppy bags hustled hard this spring has me loving and hating. Because, while the sumptous leather texture and sunny shade is lickable, I loathe the shapeless mess it is. Apparently, "hobo" is what the powers that be shilling are calling the super-sizing of those medium-sized spleen-shaped or no-shape sloppy bags that went with that whole nauseating Sienna-Miller-preggo-gypsy-blouse-dirty-bare-feet look that still lives on in discount racks at Forever 21.

Which means the Simp scored the ugly cousin of this hobo sack.
Simp can't do shit right.

Speaking of Star Trek ...

Cardassians, the gorgeous reptilian men of my deepest darkest wettest dreams, need to come back, too. Come back and make me come.

Resistance is futile.

What a difference divorce from a Republican "family values" hypocrite makes.

Jeri Ryan helped the resistance!

Oh baby, she needs to come back to our screens. Voyager was tragic crap but for her presence. It should've been Adventures of a Borg Goddess. And Angelina Jolie can re-pump her Lisa-Rinna pugly puss for ages. She'll NEVER be 7 of 9.

Now don't get me wrong ...

Prada Cervo Animalier Satchel




Rampage Aspire Big Satchel




I loveloveLOVE luscious, tightly cut ginormous bags like the beauties above. And I thank my Goddess that the era of spleen-shaped, saggy medium-sized "gypsy" skank bags is waning. It's the blind herd mentality that grates, when one only worries whether it's "in," not whether the color, shape, and material and stitching of a bag make one look true sex. And then one ends up looking like a damn fool, as Simp #2 does below, following in her sister's mouthbreather footsteps.

Check out the Simp ...

... schlepping her standard-issue-2008 big, sloppy bag.

It's the DAMN truth!

Love at first rap <3

Sweet, sweet eye candy.

Oh yessssss ... Thanks to Vicky B, my dear Spanish-Russian-Amurricun friend, I can cleanse my lovely eyes of all the aforementioned trash and tragedies .... mmmmm .... No pussy-whipped pretty boy is my Volodya, just Stoli-strong true sex.

Pimp Your Daughter to Work Day

Ali Lohan gave an interview to Teen Vogue where she said she wants to be famous "really bad, so bad. So bad you don't even know."

Ali went on to say, “I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you ... it's so cool when people look up to you. I've already been asked for my autograph and it's just a really good feeling to have."

Translation: I'm ready to suck as much 40, 50 and 60 year old cock as necessary to be famous. Please leave a message with my mom or just call my sister, you already have her number.

Paula NEEDS her happy pills!

Thanks to one hot redhead, I'll never again begrudge Paula her "medication," nor her valium-and-vodka palate cleansers.

Dead husbands and boyfriends leave the bestest famewhores behind.

Petra Nemcova is denying that she's dating Sean Penn even though they were reportedly "canoodling" (shitFUCK, I HATE that word) at Elton John's Oscar party. She claims they are just friends. Petra said, "Yes, we are friends. He is on the advisory board of my charity." Right. Nothing says "just friends" like a post-coital butting-foreheads pose.

The late Simon Atlee would be so proud of his tsunami-flogging girlfriend Petra. Somewhere he is commiserating with the late Daniel Pearl about Mary Ann "I fucked that ABC reporter 'cause I was MOURNING' Pearl.

How NOT to rock a bag.

If you're going to brag about not going to "Rehab," at least handle your shit.

Amy Winehouse looks like she dropped all of $3 at Goodwill on that outfit.

And even that nasty grandma sack deserves better than blood or lipstick smears and crack-infused armpit sweat.

Crackety Amy left her house to visit Blake Incarcerated today and her arm was covered in scratches. She's been known to "self-harm," as in cutting and generally fucking herself, so some people are worried that she's at it again.

Crackety needs to find a new schtick. This druggie-victim-of-the-world pose is tired.



WENN

Is it so wrong ...

... that I am creaming, staring at Vlad Putin?

BUT ENOUGH TRASH ...

Yes, Miss Model Puta, I'd be convulsing and O-faced, too, if I was holding this luscious masterpiece.

Goddess Donatella earns her snowwhite peaks of Colombian coca. No one designs bags so over-the-top glam without going over the edge into overhyped tacky. Only my muppet muse and her minions make beauties like these that are nearly impossible to rip off without looking stank cheap. Believe me, I've hunted long and hard for worthy knock-offs.

So Chloe, you cesspool of glorified saddle bags for aging Stepford trophy wives: Take note.

Pitty

I know Pitt desperately wants people to think "Robert Redford Second Coming" when they see his polyester camel toe, but all I think is "played-out Halloween costume."

But the bloated wax dummy he's leaning on looks tastefully svelte in black.